As I continued to get better, I couldn't help to think "why". Why me? What had I done wrong? Could I have prevented all this? I found quickly that these thoughts couldn't do me any good. They could only lead me back to my anxiety and spiraling thoughts.
Before I got pregnant, I defined myself by joy. This joy stemmed from my faith. There have been times that I have felt a warmth inside me. Some people may disagree, but I felt like it was God within me. I have believed that God is in control of my life since I was fifteen years old. I was always glass half-full. During these hard times, my glass felt empty or smashed on the floor. I couldn't believe that God would lead me down this path for nothing. What did He want? What should I do?
I knew that I needed to use these trials to God's glory. When I feel like I can't, I need to refocus and realize that He can. What was He trying to show me? What does He want me to do? Through Him I can help others who are struggling by showing them it is okay to speak up. Through Him I can educate people and provide resources. Through Him I can help others who have not struggled see that it is very common. Through Him I can help my family and friends understand what happened to me.
Some people say that Joy stands for Jesus, others, yourself. I agree with this completely. I could have wallowed in self pity, but I had to focus on Jesus and others by choosing joy. If I put Jesus and others first then I will have joy. The joy I had become accustomed to would return. Every time that I have shared my story there has been joy. A joy from compassion, understanding, and honesty. As I have spoken to people that have asked questions or needed help, I have felt joy. Joy to tell them it will be okay and that there is help out there. I could have used this kind of help when I was at my worst. God has slowly returned the joy I used to feel back to me. In fact recently, for the first time in a long while, I began to feel like myself again. I was back to glass half full and feeling the joy within me shining.
What is next for me? How can I share Joy? How can I focus on Jesus and others? I will continue to speak out about mental health and Postpartum Depression. This may include starting a support group, providing resources, and talking to people who are sent to me by friends and family. I can also imagine one day working for an organization that offers support. Of course just because God is with me and I have joy does not mean I will never face struggles again. They will come and my strength will come from Him.
Ryan and I have also decided to help others by pursuing fostering. We have taken two classes so far and done a lot of paperwork. We will continue to work towards being licensed. It is hard to be reminded how great the need is in Bexar County. Children are being abused, neglected, and killed. I have shared joy with many children in my life. My students, Sunday school children, my foster daughter, nieces and nephews, and now Philip. We don't know what will happen when we are licensed, but we are going to find out. Hopefully there will be more children and adults with whom we can share His joy. We might foster, adopt, or have more biological children. I'm excited to see what the future holds! Until then I am enjoying my 11 month old who overflows with joy - constantly laughing, smiling, bouncing, and just yesterday started clapping. 
