I recently sat in my psychiatrist office waiting for my last appointment. I had worked myself off of my three medications for Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. Almost exactly a year after being prescribed them for the first time and I was done! I looked around the room and once again was struck by how "normal" everybody looked. Am I "normal"? Have I ever been "normal"?
As I reflected on my progress I looked at the "normal" lady sitting beside me in the waiting room. She was filling out her initial paperwork. I remember feeling so many things when I was filling out my paperwork. I felt broken, hopeless, and definitely didn't feel "normal". I was overwhelmed by the number of pages and the endless questions. There were questions about every symptom imaginable for every different mental illness. What if I answered incorrectly? I had already been diagnosed, but what if they disagreed because of an answer I gave? Could things get any worse? I was still needing a lot of help and couldn't foresee ever getting better.
I now feel empowered and strong. I stepped myself down from the medications. It was a slow process, but I did it. My last three visits to the psychiatrist included telling him that I was no longer taking one of my medications. He always seemed surprised. I think he would have been fine with me staying on medication indefinitely. I don't know if I am "normal", but this is a great place to be.
Ryan and I have been trying for baby number two for three months... no success yet. I mentioned it to the psychiatrist. What is the process to get back in? Do I need to stay "active"? He said that it is very likely that I will have the same issues creep up again. Thankfully my "normal" is an optimist and I have enough optimism for the both of us. He would leave me in the system with appointments as needed. I was somewhat expecting the psychiatrist to say he still needed to see me every six months, so I felt good about this.
I know that I may be headed to the psychiatrist and medication again in the future, but that is ok. It doesn't have to be a death sentence because there is hope in the darkness. I will pick up the pieces and start again. There is support and help out there if you know where to look. I have a therapist and psychiatrist if I need them. This is the "normal" of ups and downs that life brings our way.
Until then, I have a beautiful 14 month old and I am blessed everyday. When he laughs, smiles, or even those early mornings when we snuggle in the recliner while catching a few more zzzs. The school year is ramping back up, which brings us back to busy days. We have ESL, volunteering, Bible studies, and library time. This is our "normal" and I will enjoy every minute!
