Where have I been?

I have been missing from a lot of my regular places for the last four weeks. A canceled vacation, missed celebrations/family events, no church, and all the other things I love about my weeks. Ryan and I found out we were expecting at the end of September. A few weeks later Hyperemesis Gravardium became my reality again. This is the fancy name for extreme morning sickness. What it means for me is constant nausea, vomiting, and dehydration. Nothing I haven't experienced before, I was just hoping this time would be different. Second pregnancy and the flexibility to rest at home more. Unfortunately, I would be seeing more of my toilet bowl than anybody wants to. Each day was a decision if I kept down enough fluids or we needed to go to the ER. This was a sheer guess and we stayed out of the ER, even though we likely should have gone in. 

I have had a lot of guilt over the last few weeks. The sickness has taken over and it has taken a lot to do my typical day to day. Philip has gotten to watch a lot more Sesame Street than I would like, but it was all I could do to make it through. Ryan had a business trip and my parents offered that I could stay with them while he was gone. They could help me with Philip and would be there if we needed to head to the ER.  

On Tuesday, I had my regularly scheduled ob appointment. The second ultrasound and appointment for this baby. Almost twelve weeks - the coveted second trimester in sight. My dad would drive me just in case I needed to throw-up on the way. I would text Ryan the latest picture of our baby after the appointment. The ultrasound technician started looking at the baby and almost immediately the look on her face changed.  She marked a few things on the screen and then said she needed to go get the doctor. As I laid there alone I began to cry - this couldn't be good. They came back in and told me that there was no heartbeat and the size of the baby was just over eight weeks.  My uterus was still growing and my body still thought it was pregnant. The doctor recommended that I have it removed surgically. The risks of carrying it any longer were too high.   

Yesterday I had the surgery to remove the baby. I didn't know what to expect, but I was put under general anesthesia.  The recovery process physically is going really well. Emotionally things are going to take a while longer. I will hold my blessings tight and be thankful for all I have, which now includes two angel babies in Heaven waiting for me. I'm sure there are a lot of details that I left out, but these are the words I can get out and share with you right now.